Cleaning Out

I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet, {one more time}, I said i'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet...

Who am I kidding? My mother will be thrilled to hear that I actually cleaned something. Cry? Tears of joy and disbelief, maybe.

Ok, I'm not cleaning out my closet, but I am cleaning out my office in order to move into the new building. It's amazing the amount of crap one can aquire through the years. So, since I'm in a brutal TRASH IT! mode, I thought I'd say goodbye to some of the most random things that won't be accompanying me to the new office.

Goodbye Tactile-Kinesthetic learning aid. It was fun to take all the brightly colored wooden shapes and form them into other geometric shapes as a break from eye-melting spreadsheets and irritating people. I found you in a donated box of school supplies from a retired teacher, amongst hundreds of dried out pens and some broken chalk (it's the thought that counts).

Goodbye giant yellow Japanese cartoon character water bottle from a sushi chain. You were a good water bottle, but I was a bad owner who never took you home and rinsed you out. And now, alas, it is too late. I believe the 3 years of dust you've accumulated would be toxic even after my best cleaning efforts.

Goodbye M&M collectors' tin decorated like a carousel. Yeah, I have no idea why I kept you for so long once the M&Ms were gone. See ya.

Goodbye sad little birdhouse that a former co-worker made for all of us one year. Complete with fake bird. Dust to dust, my friend.

Goodbye unopened cans of soup I found in my drawer. A pity that I'm not brave enough to risk ptomaine poisoning by eating you, 3 years later.

Goodbye mugs with advertising on them. You're going to that great kiln in the sky, friends.

Goodbye little wooden decorative bucket and the 4,000,000 ketchup, mustard, salt, and Equal packets you miraculously stored. If Jesus had been giving out condiments instead of loaves and fishes, I feel certain that he'd have used you.

Goodbye old straws I found wedged between the table and the wall. Your elegant crust of dust foozles was a hard thing to let go of, but mostly just because it was kind of sticky.

Goodbye useless candle shaped into an ugly birthday cake that someone thoughtfully gave me a few birthdays ago. Nothing says, "Hey! Happy birthday, dear friend!" like a useless and ugly birthday cake candle.

Goodbye binders full of hard work that is completely outdated and useless now. Oh, the hours we've spent together. Kind of makes me wonder why I bother, but I digress...

Goodbye training manuals and materials from crappy trainings past. Intro to Management; Frontpage; Interviewing Skills for Dolts. You gave me so much knowledge during the 3 days I used each of you. Please don't take it personally that I forgot everything by the next week and shoved you onto a shelf and am now callously ripping your guts out into the recycle bin.

I give you all up in sacrificial offering to the gods of recycling and uncluttered offices! I SING THE TRASH BIN ELECTRIC!

(Obviously the copious amounts of dust I've been inhaling have proven hallucinogenic.)