Tool of Satan: Spyware

All I wanted to do was check out some new and exciting blogs. Silly me, I clicked on "next blog" a few times and next thing I know, my poor Explorer window is overcome with a brand new navigation bar-- the "Elite Bar." Elite apparently means a Satan-powered navigation bar filled with cute little icons you can click on to take you right to the pages you use most: gambling (little dice), finding a "lover" (pulsing heart), and "drugs on the Internet!" (such sweet little pills!)

And in case those little minions-of-hell buttons don't get you there fast enough, this demonic little spyware program provides me, the thrilled (drugged, sexed up, broke from gambling) consumer with pop-ups! And I didn't even have to ask! Hey, fantastic! Thanks!

Feeling unworthy of all this sudden attention and e-z accessibility to HELL, I immediately set off on a journey through my programs folder to uninstall this motherfucker. After a few searches, I gave up. They hide their programs under different names and deep down in the bowels of the system. Jerkwads. I finally figured out how to uninstall it, and went back online to check in on two online communities I'm a part of. Much to my dismay, I notice that all the posters seem to have gone link crazy. Or wait, maybe it's the freaking spyware ghouls again! Yep. Apparently "Elite Bar" left another present-- a wonderful search program called "Search Miracle" (I'm actually nervous to put these names in here, as if just mentioning might incur a summoning of their evil powers again). I managed to find the uninstall and the odious little crapweasels tried to download yet another program! Crapweasels, I say!

I think I have most of it off my system, but not everything, as my homepage is still messed up. So I breathe a sigh of guarded relief, and walk into the other room to look at the mail. Ooh- a listing of concerts coming up on the Cape! Fun! Uh-oh. Holy crap. Satan *is* trying to take over, one insidious step at a time... "Hall & Oats in concert with Tears for Fears!"

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be hiding in a small matzo hut adorned with 4 or 5 mezzuzzahs, calmly reciting every prayer and song I ever learned in Hebrew school.