PSA: When Someone You Know is Dealing with a Tragic Loss of a Loved One

This is my public service announcement to the world, with a giant thank you to Lauren's mom who provided a lot of the content.

If someone you know or care about is dealing with a tragic loss of someone they love...

DO:

• Offer your condolences. Just say that you're so sorry.
• Offer to help if they need anything.
• Talk to a family member about possibly making and delivering a dinner.
• Pray, meditate, light candles, send good vibes or wishes, or whatever it is that you feel comfortable doing.
• Cry if you're feeling horrible too. No, it didn't happen to you, but you care about the person and feel grief too, if to a lesser degree.
• Think before you speak. It only takes a second, and it can make a huge difference.
• Keep the Golden Rule close at hand- make every effort to treat the person suffering how you would want to be treated in the same (G-d forbid) situation.
• Understand that the people directly involved with the tragedy are not going to be themselves for a good long while. The event may even change them for good.
• Keep in mind that it might be difficult for the person or people involved to reach out to anyone. There's a good chance you'll need to be the one who makes the first move as far as communication goes. Go slow and don't overwhelm, but don't give up either.
• When you do talk to them, don't be afraid to express your grief. Use the name of the person or pet who has died. They existed and were loved and that needs to be validated.
• Understand that the person (or even you) might be very angry, even at G-d. If it helps you to look at this from a religious perspective, it helps to think of G-d not as the cause or nonchalant bystander of suffering, but as the source of hope and comfort.
• Understand that as an act of self-preservation, a person dealing with extreme grief may retreat into themself, and not respond to you or their surroundings. This is normal.
• Listen.
• Be patient.

DO NOT:

• Drop by unexpectedly. Either call the person, or whoever is trying to help the person through this rough time, to see if it's ok.
• Avoid talking about the subject at hand/act like it never happened.
• Send flowers if the family has expressly made it clear that they do not want flowers.
• Say any of the following: "it's G-d's will;" "everything happens for a reason;" "at least they're not suffering anymore;" "it's probably better off this way;"
• Try to "snap them out" of their grief or try to use "tough love."
• Make it all about you. An example is a friend or acquaintance who goes on and on about how hard they're taking the loss, to the point of looking for pity for themselves instead of the person at hand.
• Disappear. If you care for this person, be there for them, don't retreat. It's hard, and you may not know what to say or how to act, but be there anyway.
• Try to come up with answers for the "whys."
• Question your friend or family member's decisions about funeral arrangements, memorial services, etc. It is a personal decision, and none of your business.
• Cheapen the tragedy by using it as fodder for gossip or titillation.
• Forget to offer your help and support to those who are directly helping and supporting the person dealing with the tragedy.
• Try to find someone or something to take the blame for the tragedy.

If anyone has anything to add, please post a comment, and I'll edit the post.