Big Ass Job Rant
(Please, if you know where I work, do not mention anything by name in the comments, as I would like for my anger, resentment, and frustration to be anonymous while it slowly kills me! Thanks!)
Why is everybody at work a complete and utter BASTARD today? Why do supposedly grown-up, supposedly professional people feel the need to have temper tantrums when they don't get their way? Why do these same imbeciles act like the 3-year-old across the street and do their own version of covering their ears, stomping their feet and yelling
when you try to reason with them?
I am sick of being asked to do things that are somewhat unethical (nothing huge like money or anything, but not the best, "rightest" thing we could do).
I am sick of being told "well, we've done things like this in the past."
I am sick of having to spend my whole job trying to please a few overgrown spoiled brats.
I understand you're technically brilliant. I understand that management loves you. I understand that a lot of people kiss your ass.
You need to understand that I'm just trying to do my job. You need to understand that it's not your butt on the line if something is found as even slightly unethical. You need to understand that I am not your old crony who would do anything you asked and finagle things without a care in the world. You also need to understand that was 4 years ago, and times have changed.
I am sick of a specific manager who thinks she rules the universe thinking I'm trying to get away with something. I'm pissed as hell that she sent a message, copying 2 other managers basically admonishing me as if I were a 2 year old, when I've been nothing but nice and respectful of her. I especially hate that when I answered back in a professional manner, I got no response.
I am sick of being asked to do more and more even as our future looks less and less steady. I am sick of having to coach managers on how to let their employees know that they're valued and respected and needed when I, and the other managers in my office, get NOTHING of the kind.
I'm tired of being the bearer of bad news, the "axe man," and the person who everyone thinks knows more, but just isn't telling. I'm tired of taking the brunt of people's anger while the top managers make these decisions behind closed doors.
I'm tired of not being listened to. I'm tired of feeling so detached. I'm tired of feeling angry and hurt and unsure all the time. I'm tired of my chest and head feeling tight (first person who mentions heart attack or stroke gets a boot to their head) with stress and frustration. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of watching my friends in this office (and myself) turn into bitter, jaded nervous wrecks because of this environment.
I'm sick of talking about and trying to convince people about what a fantastic place this is to work, when I personally, don't really agree.
I hate learning major developments about where I work from the media instead of my own managers.
And I fucking hate that I have to depend on this job so desperately so that they don't foreclose on our house, take our cars away, or take away our medical insurance.
I hate that it's getting harder and harder to let go of this resentment on weekends and evenings. I hate that my husband is equally worried about how miserable I am and what would happen if I didn't have this job.
I hate hating, I hate resenting, I hate having the life sucked out of me.
I know that this place isn't worth risking my health over, but I also know that if I wasn't here, it would be a whole new set of bad for me.
I'm not looking for sympathy or suggestions for new jobs or advice that says I should just leave. I couldn't bear it if even one more person says that I should do something about it instead of just suffering. I can't right now. I just can't. There are a ton of things that would fall apart if I just left, or even found a new job. Besides, who would want me in this state of mind? I just need to let some of this out, or I'm going to burst.